Why and How Children Harm Themselves
“Self preservation is the first law of nature”, Samuel Butler.
Qu: Did you know that not forgiving your ‘ex’, can damage the mental health and well-being of your child? Here’s why, how, and what you can do about it.
Practising law holistically means seeing beyond what appears on the surface of legal documents, facts and evidence and digging deeper into the human side of law practice. One approach is to explore how fear drives damaging behaviours in both adults and their children which cause mental health issues. Shedding light on the human angle of a case gets us closer to the truth about what is really going on with clients and their children, their thoughts, emotions, feelings, and beliefs. This helps the holistic lawyer co-create safer solutions and reach more just case outcomes, faster and more cheaply.
Upon separation and divorce, in disputed residence and contact applications, when drafting client’s evidence and reading the evidence of the other parent, on many occasions it has become clear that children behave very differently when spending time with each parent. They sometimes say and do the things they believe each parent wants to hear and see. This means children start editing ‘out’ the parts of them that they know remind one parent of the other parent, and which trigger upset or anger, when parents don’t get along.
Why might children do this? Children understand they no longer have the emotional permission from their parents to be wholly themselves. They fear being abandoned and rejected by both parents and to be left all alone. Self-editing then, is a very painful and traumatic survival response. As Samuel Butler says, “Self-preservation is the first law of nature”.
The perceived benefits to the child of ‘self-editing’, are to avoid pain and confusion, rejection, and abandonment, by either or both parents, to keep safe and survive. Their inner dialogue might sound like: “Mum left dad as she hates him. If I remind her of him, she will hate me too. If she hates me too, she will leave me too”, and vice versa with dad/ same sex partner. The child’s instinct tells them that without an adult in their life, they will die. Consider this very common sequence of events:
1. Parent 1 leaves the home. The child may hold an honest belief that they are somehow responsible for parent 1 leaving. The child may start feeling guilt, shame and believing they are not worthy of love and protection (i.e. otherwise Parent 1 would have stayed).
2. Parent 1 leaving may make the child feel abandoned and rejected. The child may believe Parent 1 ‘no longer loves me as I am not good enough and there is something wrong with me’ (i.e. otherwise Parent 1 would have stayed).
3. Parent 2 remains the main carer. Having seen Parent 1 leave, the child now believes Parent 2 might also leave them. This belief can throw the child into deep rooted instability, insecurity, and uncertainty. They feel unsafe and start wanting to control others and their environment (manipulating) as a survival response to feel safe again. This can create unhealthy co-dependencies in their future relationships.
4. Parent 2 may still be living from a place of fear, hurt, pain, frustration, anger, against Parent 1. There may be no forgiveness. Parent 2 may strongly reject Parent 1 and tell the child this directly or tell others whilst the child overhearing from the same room or down the corridor/ next room. Other times the child receives information nonverbally by the withdrawal of attention or affection by a Parent.
5. In Parent 1 rejecting Parent 2; and Parent 2 rejecting Parent 1, whenever the child is with either Parent, s/he ‘self-edits, out as far as is humanly possible, any traits, gestures, or behaviours that remind that Parent they are with, of the other Parent.
Parents may be triggered by their children consciously or subconsciously. Where negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions fester, such as anger, hate, fear, frustration, or pain- the more intense these are, the stronger the parent’s negative reaction can be towards the child. At a mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual level (or all), the parent may reject the part of the child that reminds them of their ‘ex’. This can happen when the child displays any trait, gesture, behaviour, at all sensory levels, that in any way remind one parent of the other parent. It is as though now the marriage is over, so too, should any remnants of the ‘ex’ be present in the child engendered with them be gone. What once were mannerisms that enamoured, these may now activate quite the opposite reaction such as lashing out in frustration, annoyance, or anger.
Children may take the parents’ rejection of the traits in the other parent they see ‘in them’, as a rejection ‘of them’ leaving the child feeling abandoned and rejected as a whole by both parents, and feeling frightened, alone and vulnerable.
Genetically, we are all a combination of both our parents’ and their ancestors’ genes, some scientists say as far as seven generations back. It is therefore impossible to ‘edit out’ of our physical bodies, the genes of one or other of our parents, to essentially ‘escape’ from who we are. Examples of triggers, however, includes how the child looks, their colouring, a dimple on their face, eye colour, the way they smile, laugh, gesticulate, stand, hold themselves, walk, talk, hobbies shared with a parent (sometimes the child gives these up), temperament, and so on- the way they express themselves and communicate.
Parents can be disproportionate in their punishment or reprimand of their child, without even realizing this. This causes the child more pain and confusion and reinforces their belief there is something wrong with them, which compounds the now stronger feelings of lack of self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love. In extreme cases, children may start self-harming, or fantasize with suicidal thoughts to punish themselves for being wrong or unworthy of love; suicide is the ultimate act of self-rejection, self-hurt, annihilation.
Many parents criticize their child for being, “just like your father/ mother,” usually in a judgmental, damning, or condemning way. Some traits may be negative and need addressing, however others may not be, in which case a parent could be erasing their child’s particular gift. This has a detrimental effect on the child’s entire life if they live suppressing their authenticity and not allowing their true selves to be fully expressed. Like a vicious cycle, the more pain and confusion the child is in, the deeper and more profound the process of self-editing, the more damage and trauma suffered.
Mental, emotional, and physical manifestations of the pressure children are under in such cases look like: tummy aches, not wanting to go to school, refusing contact with the non-resident parent (i.e. the one who they do not primarily live with), a return to bedwetting, headaches, acting out at school, bullying, withdrawing from friends and hobbies, overachieving to people please as a way to receive acceptance, love and attention, or under achieving as a symptom of childhood depression.
What you can do: the way in which you can support your child and prevent ‘self-editing’ or harmful thoughts, beliefs, words and actions, is by: (1) fully accepting responsibility for your role in the marriage/ relationship breakdown and seeing this situation as a gift, an opportunity to learn from the experience, heal wounds of the past and make better life choices in future (2) practice the Ho’oponopono prayer by visualising your ex and repeating these four phrases daily: “I am sorry, please forgive me, I thank you, I love you”. This will release your energy ties to the negative thoughts and feelings keeping you locked in and free you to start over a new life chapter (3) letting go and forgiving your ‘ex’ does not mean they are no longer accountable for what hurt/ pain they caused you, it just means you stop carrying around that hurt and pain and projecting it on your children; “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die” (Buddha).
In forgiving your ex, you will forgive the part of them that lives inside your child. You will accept your child and love them with less conditions/ expectations attached; with this then comes an opening. Where the negative energy previously sat, light energy can enter. A safe space of healing love for the child and the family is created, where all can thrive and flourish.
Affirmation: I love and accept my children for who they are, unconditionally.
Recommended Reading: ‘Putting Children First’ by Karen and Nick Woodall.
Top Tip: Communicate your unconditional love and acceptance to your child daily and notice when negative thoughts, words or actions surface- take a deep breath and practice the Ho’oponopono prayer “I am sorry, please forgive me, I thank you, I love you”.