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10 Ways Separating Parents May Unconsciously Emotionally Harm Their Children

“Pain that is yet to come, can be avoided!” Nalanie Chellaram.

1. Is ‘winning’ over each other, more important than your child’s health? Life?
2. Do you worry about how your Separation or Divorce is affecting your child/ren?

Most parents want their children to grow up as happy, healthy adults, attracting in turn happy and healthy relationships. To support your children towards this goal, it is essential you awaken to the consequences of your actions on your children, be they conscious or unconscious, direct or indirect, during and after the Separation or Divorce process. If this is not addressed, it is possible that your child will experience difficult or toxic relationships and a Separation or Divorce themselves in the future.

As a parent, as an adult, the way that you manage your Separation or Divorce process will shape your child/ren’s view on relationships, love, communication and more importantly, their self worth. The adult ‘mind-set’ and the child/ren’s ‘mind-set’ may likely interpret situations differently. To give a few examples:

When you ask your child to pass on a message onto your ‘ex’, you may be unaware that your child will not only carry the message, but the energy connected to the message; whether that be positive or negative; and also carry the energy connected to the return message. They may also carry fear and anxiety, guilt, and shame, nervous and worried about the respective responses and how this will impact on your relationship with their other parent, their relationship with both parents and what this means in terms of their own safety and security? This is all too much of a heavy load on small shoulders. Are you familiar with the phrase, “Don’t shoot the messenger”? I believe a lot of children do get ‘shot’ mentally and emotionally, in these crossfires.

Also, when children are kept separate from family members they love (a parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins- extended family), this will be very emotionally painful and confusing to them. Depending on their age, many children may not understand what is going on and the adult reasons for cutting them off from contact with those they love.

When there are insufficient funds in the family home, children get ‘punished’ alongside their parents too. Denying appropriate financial support to your ‘ex’ and/ or the children is called financial abuse. Moreover, creating the opposite scenario by spoiling your child/ren may turn against you when your child/ren feed off this shame, guilt, fear and create a form of financial abuse towards you, creating a vicious generational cycle of negative and damaging behaviour.

The goal then, is to create the awakenings and awareness to bridge the communication gap between the adult and child ‘mind-sets’ and interpretation of events, during Separation and Divorce.

Action Step: Please take a piece of paper and in your own handwriting, answer yourself as truthfully as you can the following questions. Also please note how these events, even if perceived by you as an ‘in the moment’ event, even as a way of momentarily venting built up frustration, might leave a permanent negative mark on your child/ren’s mental and emotional state, into adulthood?

Do you in front of, or to the child/ren, or within earshot, do any of the following?

1. As a parent- argue, shout, find it hard to control your temper, are physically aggressive, use foul or threatening language or let slip negative comments?

2. As a parent- speak to or about the other parent, in a way that is criticising, judgmental or insulting or let slip negative comments?

3. As a parent- allow your new partner to speak to or about the other parent, in a way that is criticising, judgmental or insulting or let slip negative comments?

4. As a grandparent- speak to or about the other parent or grandparents, in a way that is criticising, judgmental or insulting or let slip negative comments?

5. As a parent/ grandparent- ask your child/ren or grand/ child/ren to pass on verbal messages to the other parent/ grandparent about any angry adult dispute or issue? For example, “Tell your father he is late paying this month’s maintenance”, or “Call your mother and tell her as she was late bringing you over today, you are not going home from contact until later”?

6. As a parent- ask the child/ren to act as, spies, for example, by asking questions (interrogating) about the other parent’s movements, conversations, and whereabouts, who they may spend their time with and particularly about any new partner on the scene?

7. As a parent- not allow your child/ren contact with the other parent or grandparents or extended family, keeping them ‘hostage’, to punish the other parent, or to place pressure on them in negotiations for increases in maintenance monies?

8. As a parent- you refuse to pay maintenance monies as a form of punishment, or control of/ over the other parent?

9. As a parent- ‘spoil’ (i.e. damage’) the child/ren by buying them whatever material possessions they want (rather than need), as a way of alleviating for example, your feelings of shame, guilt and/or fear of losing the close, loving relationship you may have had with the child/ren? As a parent now you may no longer live in the family home, or spend meaningful time with the child/ren, you may fear being forgotten or alienated?

10. As a parent- ‘spoil’ (i.e. damage) the child/ren by buying them whatever material possessions they want (rather than need), as a way of clinging onto some perceived control or power over the other parent, possibly with whom the child/ren ordinarily lives, as a way of winning the child/ren’s loyalty or affection over the other parent?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any one of the above, you are likely to be consciously or subconsciously, causing your child/ren mental and emotional harm. If you have been unaware of the impact of your behaviour, now that you are aware, you have a conscious choice to change your behaviours and safeguard your child/ren’s well-being.

At times, your hate for the other parent/ grandparent, may be more powerful than and may even obscure, your love for your child/ren. To keep child/ren mentally and emotionally healthy, it is essential that you remain child focused at all times. Be the anchor to the boat in the storm.

If you are conscious of your actions and cannot resist negative or destructive behaviours, it is strongly recommended that you reach out to a Family Therapist or Psychotherapist who will support you in making a positive change; securing you and your child/ren’s mental and emotional wellbeing, their level of happiness and likelihood of personal and professional success as well as in relationships with others, now and into the future.

Affirmation: My child/ren’s mental and emotional wellbeing is key to their health and happiness.
Recommended Reading: ‘Putting Children First’ by Karen and Nick Woodall
Top Tip: Identify your harmful behaviours and get the support you need from a Family Therapist or Psychotherapist to safeguard your child/ren’s mental and emotional health [see Client Well-being].
Voice of the Child of Divorce